THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
