You're my little dorito
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
