so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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