so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize