Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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