we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize