Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
