I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Randomize
