I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
