My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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