I didn't shave. On purpose
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
