Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
They have beer where we have blood.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
