Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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