Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
