Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
