Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
