I think i peed on brittanys purse
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
