At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Someone shattered a urinal.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
