She even gives head with a lisp.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
