Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
