I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
