Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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