I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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