That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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