i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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