i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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