My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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