***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
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