how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
