I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you would pick up someone in the library
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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