He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
