when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize