i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
