I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
