I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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