I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
