9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Ketchup is God's man juice
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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