Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
