im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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