dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
