I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
