You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
