so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
