I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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