I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
