apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
