Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
