Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
i came on her dog
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Randomize
