apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
