the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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