we have pet lesbian snakes
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
