Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
