I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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