Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
