we were pretty classy up until the second keg
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
