Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
