i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
