i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
