Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
